jaded_memoirs

What will happen one day if our heart and even our thoughts are truly on our sleeves.
That we say what comes to mind without any barriers and holds.
I wonder, whether people will open up to one another or love people as much as they do now.
However, people might have another set of ideals by then.

March 6th, 2003
"i am tired. physically and emotionally.
i really cant think of what i should do not.
maybe time can ease everything. almost everything, that is.
time can sometimes make things and people change.
for the better or for the worst? that is the question
to be or not to be is the question of whether i should be or not to be.
( ignore the last sentence. sounds cheesy.)
sigh .. this is life."

alrighty, im back after a prolonged leave of absence from blogging.

i wonder how much ive grown, a few months now shy from being 21.
It got me wondering what would have happened if I was put back into my younger days, IE sec sch days, where everyday was hell, figuratively speaking. Now that I'm (hopefully) more matured and more emotionally stable.

Would I be able to make any changes as to what others might have perceived me, or the way that they treat me? I've always suspected, when i was about 15, that one day, i can look back after a few years and say. "hey that was really stupid of me and that it didnt mean anything just that they were the immature ones."

I wish i could say that with all the conviction that i have in my heart and brain.
but  somehow from time to time, i still feel second-class or even become neurotic just worrying about trying to avoid saying/doing things to somehow lessen how the other person thinks of me.

Obviously, there are close friends that I can rely and open up to. (And for that, i thank you for putting up with me and my junk)

Now, having been exposed to the working, i've increased my knowledge as to the complexities of relationships between people.
some of these would now include, boss-employee, employee-colleague and employee-customer. there are times whereby you can relax, there are times you have to put up with shit and of course, there are times you have fun.

Retrospectively, these new found knowledge have changed me in terms of how i view relationships out of work life and into my personal life. I now see more than before, which does not necessarily mean that it is better.


And for my own sake, I hope I'm not wrong.
 

The most "photogenic" bunch of super fierce people I've ever met. 

Just recently, i was watching the Olympics weighlifting semi-finals segment for idunnowhat weight category. 
As the contenders from different countries step up to the 4 by 4 metres (or so) square and attempt to make a mark in history, I had a thought. 
While I saw some succeed and some fail, I realised that the coaches were always there for them regardless of the result.
As what one of the commentators said, "this is the sport which can make grown man cry", this thought flashed across my head. 
Isnt that what friends are supposed to be for too?
To be able to offer a shoulder, a ear or advice when the need arises and also to be able to share the little or BIG victories in life. 
Truth is, in life we are often faced with many adversaries. We cannot predict and hence cannot influence the outcome of certain things, and its the presence of friends that help magnify the great and diminish disappointment. 

As one particular contender fail to clear his weights at the final attempt and break down in tears, I saw the coach come forward to give him a hug and sorta in an awkward fashion, drag him off camera. 

but sometimes i do wonder, with all that psych research and what not abt proximity and distance being a very strong predictor for relationship, does distance really matter? i guess, to a certain degree, it does. but then again, ive friends here that i hardly ever meet, and that supposedly does not do anything nor predict any form of strong relationship. 
does it come down to making that effort VS distance apart VS affinity? 

i can say with confidence that through the years, we've all grown with maturity and definitely have developed some warped sense of cynicism, shifting from an idealistic world view to a more realistic but yet more pessimistic one. somewhat like "ooh frens 4eva!" to "i can promise to be ur friend... for now.. we'll see, ok?"


i guess all of us have to start somewhere and make that effort. i'm proud of myself today that i sent a sms to someone i havent talked to in months. hahaha. yup. 

baby steps..